Gotta be intentional

future-richWhen I was in middle school, I had already decided that I wanted to go into a career in medicine.

At first, I thought I wanted to be a doctor, but when I found out that I’d have to sell my soul to years and years of school, I settled on becoming a nurse (don’t judge me ha).

Finally, graduation day came and I had that, “I’m finally an adult!” excitement in my head… that was 10 years ago!! What?! I still can’t believe I’ve been out of high school for a decade now… I still feel so young at heart! Where does the time go?!

Anyway, to make a long story short, four universities later, I ended up graduating with a degree in American Studies (to become a history teacher later on). I got pregnant with my first daughter during my last semester in college and my husband and I decided that I should be a stay at home mom and postpone continuing education.

So, how did I go from nursing to teaching? And why on earth did I go to FOUR different universities?! What the heck?! Who does that?! I guess I do… I did that.

After I completed all the required courses before applying into the nursing programs, I applied three times, at three different schools and they all rejected me. That was a pretty big blow to my self esteem, because it immediately made me feel like I wasn’t good enough or smart enough (which obviously wasn’t true). I cried A LOT.  My husband kept encouraging me and after praying for the next steps for me to take, I ended up going to a counselor at the fourth school, to talk about what I could do next and with all of the credits I accumulated at the three previous schools I went to.

Before going in, I had decided long before, that if nursing hadn’t worked out, I’d want to be a teacher.  So after speaking with the counselor and going through all of my options, I took a fast track to a degree that would help me become a teacher through continuing education post undergrad.  At this point in my life, I had already been in college for 5 years and was ready to get the heck out! It was one of the best decisions I had made and actually enjoyed my last two semesters at UNO. It really is such a great school and I kicked myself in the butt for not going there from the very beginning, it would’ve saved me two years and heartache.

However, every experience I’ve gone through in life has taught me so much and has helped me grow into the person I am today.  Rejection is such a tough pill for me to  swallow. I grew up feeling rejected, which is why after the third rejection, I felt like my life was over.  As I’ve grown up, I have realized that you cannot outgrow hurts in your life.  You’ve got to face them, work through them, and then move passed them. Grow from them and learn how to better deal with the obstacles that come your way.

Since I became a mom and my daughters are growing up, they watch me, and look up to me, I am more intentional with the things I say/don’t say.

Lately, my eldest says “but mom, I can’t!” I really loathe the word “can’t.”  I make sure to tell her that she can. I encourage her, explain to her how to work through her problem and when she succeeds, I tell her “see, I told you you could do it! great job!” When she doesn’t, I make sure to still encourage her and tell her to keep trying, I help her and make sure she knows that as long as she perseveres she will succeed.

My prayer for them is that they never have to feel rejected, or like they aren’t good enough.  They really do push me passed my limits and push me to be the best version of myself. I want them to be strong, compassionate, loving girls and women who don’t let fear or negative words affect who they are.  God’s plan for them is big, I know it. The same way that I know God’s plans for me and my family together, are big.

I’m excited to continue blogging and seeing where writing takes me.  I’ve stopped myself in the two years of not blogging out of fear of what people would think of me, but I guess there ain’t nothin’ to it but to do it!

To Be or Not to be… a freelance writer

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You figure that if you start a blog it’s because you like to write, right?  Well, at least that’s why I started my blog.  I like to write and also, because life as a wife and mom can give one some pretty great anecdotes to share with the world.  I started off this year with blogging about what God spoke into my heart and that I wanted to start blogging more this year.  So, it’s May and this is only my second blog post of 2017 and in the last, I believe TWO years.  I really have been trying (though not nearly as hard enough as I could/should) to keep up with the blog.  The reasons why I want to blog, are because I felt that it’s a good platform to share my heart with people and to be open and transparent about the things I go through in every area of my life. My hope is that through this blog, I can inspire and encourage.

Anyway, here’s the reason for this post and to try to find an answer for the title of this post.  At the beginning of the year, I got an itch to help our household out financially.  Not because I need or have to, but because I want to.  I want to have a side hustle that generates a good bit of extra income to help accomplish our goals as a family. I started thinking creatively, thought about starting an etsy shop, or picking back up on my photography, began selling things on varagesale (though it tends to aggravate me with people who end up backing out on a sale), so I’ve taken a break from that.  Then, a few days ago, as I was perusing pinterest on stay at home mom jobs, I came across freelance writing.  Sounds like a piece of cake, right? At least I thought so, but as I’ve been researching more about it, it’s kind of overwhelming.  I just signed up on a content mill, to get started and see what niche I can narrow down on.  There are so many helpful bloggers out there willing to share their experiences and how they’ve become successful.

I tend to doubt myself and my abilities a lot, but my husband is such a great encourager to me.  His words of encouragement resound in my mind as I continue to research more on sample writing, narrowing in on a niche, building a website, etc.  I’ve got a good bit of work ahead of me to get this thing going, but I’m going to try my hardest and push myself to give this a shot.  It inspired me to write this post, so that’s always a good thing!

If you’re a freelance writer who just so happened to stumble upon my blog, please message me with some helpful tips and suggestions! They will be greatly appreciated!

Have you weeded your garden lately?

This past Sunday, I decided that I was tired of looking at the ugly weeds that began to take over our garden. They had grown so tall; they were such an eyesore. So, after our busy day, I told Sam I was going to weed the garden. He kind of looked at me like I was crazy and asked if I was sure… (If you know me, then you know that I think bugs and dirt are gross and icky, and I’m such a girly girl). I don’t know what got into me. I think it was the fact that I wanted to do something active and sweat off some fat! However, from the moment I pulled out that first weed, I regretted it immediately! The texture of the roots and dirt with moisture, YUCK! Anyway, I just kept going, and the more weeds I pulled, the more I started thinking about my life and how many times “weeds” have grown in my heart that I’ve had to ask God to yank, and sometimes I’ve even tried to do it on my own. I was reminded about how as Christians, we must constantly be on our guard to make sure that weeds aren’t growing over the godly seeds and plants that we have sowed and watered over time.
The thing about weeds is that they creep up, and sometimes we don’t notice them, sometimes a flower may even bloom and look so pretty, that we mistake it for a flower that we planted and watered ourselves. It’s not! It’s a weed. I almost didn’t pull one out because it was a pretty white little flower, then I realized it was an imposter, so I yanked it! I don’t want it messing up my pretty garden in the literal or hypothetical sense. As I was weeding, I came across three different types of weeds.
The first, are weeds that are easier to uproot than others. In the spiritual sense, these may look like selfishness, lying, jealousy, cursing, gossip, etc. (I know that sins are all equal, but because we’re human, we tend to categorize them on a “not so bad” to “extremely horrible” scale. So, for that reason, I’m categorizing them). These weeds may not seem so bad, but weeds are weeds and they will destroy the beautiful flowers one way or another. I was able to completely uproot some, and others I could only pull from the surface. That brings me to the second type of weeds I came across. These weeds were so deeply embedded in the ground, that there was no way I could uproot them. I knew that for those, I needed someone stronger than me to pull them out completely. I was only able to pull what was on the surface. They were so challenging and I got so aggravated because I knew that those would come back within a few days. I feel like that’s how it is when we have “weeds” in our hearts. Some are easier to get rid of and some are not so easy. We can pull some out on our own, or so we think, but no matter what, they still grow back some time after. Some we just pull from the top, but they grow back because the root is still there. We might only give God the “small” or “not so bad” weeds to get rid of, but what good will that do in the long run?

The last kind of weed I came across were the ones that disguise themselves or try to hide in between the pretty flowers that I mentioned earlier. Here’s a picture of some trying to hide in between the agapanthus.

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I looked at these and just knew that they were going to be a challenge. These are the worst kind because they are deeply rooted and they’re trying to pretend they aren’t weeds. So, I tried to muster all of the strength I could, and began pulling them like a mad woman! I was even talking to them, telling them, “Yeah, I see you! I’m not gunna let you think you belong here, because you don’t! Come here!” I’m not lying either hahaha. I eventually gave up. My hands, fingers and arms hurt from trying so hard. That’s exactly what happens in our lives, many times we give up, because it starts to hurt. The thing is, the pain won’t last forever and we’ll be better off anyway. The next day, my fingers still burned a little, but by the end of the day, that sensation was gone. So many times in my walk, I’ve tried to pull weeds out on my own, hesitant to give them to God, because I doubted that they’d really be uprooted. I’ve grown weeds of resentment, bitterness, low self-esteem, jealousy, and they kept my godly seeds from growing into the beautiful flowers they were intended to be. I couldn’t really enjoy God and all of the ways He would or could bless me. There was always something that would immediately shoot down anything that seemed nice. Weeds tend to stick/grow together. I would pull one out on one end and there would be a trail that led to more roots a few feet away. The same goes for the weeds in our lives that we think aren’t so bad. Bitterness can lead to anger, anger to hate, hate to actually hurting the person that caused us to be bitter, which can all lead up to the weeds that disguise themselves as flowers that are supposed to be there. This happens whether we have just begun our walk with God, or if we’ve been walking with God for years. We are never exempt from weeds growing, so we must be cautious. Daily, we must renew our hearts and minds and the moment we feel a weed growing, give it to God so that it won’t stand a chance. We must constantly work out our salvation. (Phil. 2:12)

So, have you weeded your garden lately?

 

 

 

Moving Forward

So I started reading a book called So Long Insecurity, by Beth Moore. I’ve actually been having this book for a while now with intent to read, but haven’t gotten around to it until now. So far, it has been right on point in the way I feel at times. This book caught my attention, because I’ve always dealt with insecurities, as a young teenager and sometimes even now as an adult.

As a teenager, I never felt like I was pretty enough and I dealt with this insecurity for so long.  I would pray and ask God to give me the confidence to know that he made me in his image. Beautiful. It was a word that I couldn’t believe to be true about myself. However, one day I had enough of it. I didn’t want to keep buying into the lies of the devil, I wanted to move forward and live in true freedom. I began writing words of affirmation on my mirror, so that every time I’d look at myself I would see who God saw. Fast forward and today I know that I’m beautiful, smart, the daughter of the Most High who sees me and has called me his own!

As a kid, you would think that as an adult, you don’t deal with insecurities, you’re mature and nothing can bring you down. Wrong. I find that now as an adult, I still have insecurities. Beth Moore talks about different types of insecurities, one is insecurity when it comes to relationships. I realized that I currently struggle with that insecurity. Sam has actually mentioned it to me before, but because I can sometimes be prideful and stubborn I deny it. As a result of my insecurities in my relationships, I tend to put all of my hope for the perfect relationship in Sam. He is my best friend aside from being my husband. He knows everything about me, all of my fears, my flaws and all of the good things about me. I rely on Sam to meet all of my needs, which is unrealistic. Beth mentioned that at one point in her life, she had been hurt by a friend and it broke their friendship. Because of that broken friendship, she told her husband that from that point on, he’d be the only person she’d ever trust again. However, her husband told her that she couldn’t do that, because at some point, he too would let her down… because he’s human and no one is perfect. That turned the light bulb on in my head. I have subconsciously placed all of my trust in Sam to be my only friend who will never purposely hurt me and who I can trust wholeheartedly! But like I said a few sentences earlier, that’s unrealistic. There have been times when we’ve gotten in an argument and I can’t help but feel so disappointed in him, that he let me down. How could he? He’s not supposed to let me down. Little did I realize until now, that it’s an insecurity of mine because of other relationships. I too, like Beth, have been hurt by friends that I sadly no longer have a relationship with. It is hurtful when friendships end, unexpectedly, unwillingly. This hurt is what has brought on this insecurity. I know that I can always count on Sam and trust him, because he is my husband. However, I cannot let the fear of hurt and being let down cripple my other relationships with people. I realized that because of this, I have been closed off to everyone else but Sam in my life. It’s time to move forward. I cannot continue to let the fear of being hurt or let down by others to feed this insecurity. After all, that’s life. You get hurt. You forgive. You move forward. And at the end of the day we can always rely, trust and lean on God.