So, I will start my first blog post of 2017 by sharing with you what God placed in my heart for this new year. It ties into what he placed on my heart last year, which was the word “Grace.” Grace because I found myself not wanting to let people off the hook for their “offenses” against me, especially those closest to me. Also, because I needed to give myself more grace. I truly am my own worst enemy and critic!
A few days ago I was in my car and just began talking/thinking/praying out loud about what God wanted this year to be about in regards to my heart and growth in Him. Then, the word expectant popped in my head… I thought, well that can’t be right, weird… mmm no. So, I just kept talking to God and asking Him to let me know what it is that I need to implement this year.
Over the course of the next few days, expectant continued to pop up in my head. I then just started saying, how can that be right? It sounds so selfish and weird and kind of mean, right God? Is that really you telling me to be expectant of YOU?! Like, yeah, I EXPECT him to do this for me because he better… what?! (at least that’s what it sounds like in my head). The second word is… you guessed it, accepted. That one came tonight during our worship night at church.
Expectant because He wants me to be expectant in a humble way. It now makes sense because throughout the course of my life, there have been many times when I’ve felt unworthy of God and all that He has and does or wants to do for me. Present day, this is what it looks like: If I know that I lost my cool with the girls one too many times, or had a huge disagreement with Sam and refused to apologize, I reasoned that, because of those shortcomings, God wouldn’t/couldn’t bless me and it’d be ok; because I didn’t “deserve” to be blessed or forgiven or I didn’t deserve to be given grace.
I could feel a sense of unworthiness and almost be too proud to accept forgiveness, etc. from God. Yet, God wants to bless me (and you) regardless of our shortcomings and in spite of who we are… “duh,” we’re only human right? He actually expects that of us! He says that I should humbly expect Him to bless me because He loves me and I am worthy of His love, blessings, mercy, love, forgiveness, grace!
It’s ok for me to pray and ask for forgiveness in spite of my lack thereof in a moment, for His grace, for His favor…expectant even when I am simply praying over my day… it’s ok. (Hebrews 4:16; John 15:7). And even if he doesn’t (Daniel 3:16-18)… because sometimes the answers to our prayers may be “no.”
Accepted because I’ve always felt forgotten, unloved, not cared about… the list really can go on. I know where these roots come from and last year while at a women’s conference, I had a breakthrough, from a complete stranger, after so many years.
At church, I had never felt a sense of belonging among my peers. I came from another church, therefore, I was an “outsider” and the devil used that to make me feel like an outsider for the next 7 years!! This would look like being at a gathering with friends and everyone else is engaged in conversation except me…the devil would use that to feed the lie that no one cared to come talk to me. It would be like “see, no one really cares about you or how you’re doing, no one likes you.” Ouch! When by nature, unless I am in a group of people that I know, I am kept to myself and even around friends, sometimes I just keep to myself out plain old introvertedness (mmm… probably not a word).
I bought that lie for so long, because even in my childhood, there were times that I felt unwanted. These were the results of deep-rooted issues that to this day I’m still working on and have worked on, and will probably still be working on for a while. I’m an adult… why do I still struggle with this? The answer seems to be that you can’t outgrow hurts, you have to face them and kill the root… I tried to outgrow them and cover them and ignore them and deal with them on my own… pride!
Since the conference, I’ve worked on shooting down the lies and the negative thoughts from the enemy and I’ve gotten a lot better of not reading into situations and knowing that these things don’t define me or my worth. Jesus already accepted me a long time ago and I’ve forgotten over the course of day to day life, motherhood, wifehood… and the enemy loves when we forget who God has already called us. I am accepted, loved, worthy, wanted, cared for… we all are.