Moving Forward

So I started reading a book called So Long Insecurity, by Beth Moore. I’ve actually been having this book for a while now with intent to read, but haven’t gotten around to it until now. So far, it has been right on point in the way I feel at times. This book caught my attention, because I’ve always dealt with insecurities, as a young teenager and sometimes even now as an adult.

As a teenager, I never felt like I was pretty enough and I dealt with this insecurity for so long.  I would pray and ask God to give me the confidence to know that he made me in his image. Beautiful. It was a word that I couldn’t believe to be true about myself. However, one day I had enough of it. I didn’t want to keep buying into the lies of the devil, I wanted to move forward and live in true freedom. I began writing words of affirmation on my mirror, so that every time I’d look at myself I would see who God saw. Fast forward and today I know that I’m beautiful, smart, the daughter of the Most High who sees me and has called me his own!

As a kid, you would think that as an adult, you don’t deal with insecurities, you’re mature and nothing can bring you down. Wrong. I find that now as an adult, I still have insecurities. Beth Moore talks about different types of insecurities, one is insecurity when it comes to relationships. I realized that I currently struggle with that insecurity. Sam has actually mentioned it to me before, but because I can sometimes be prideful and stubborn I deny it. As a result of my insecurities in my relationships, I tend to put all of my hope for the perfect relationship in Sam. He is my best friend aside from being my husband. He knows everything about me, all of my fears, my flaws and all of the good things about me. I rely on Sam to meet all of my needs, which is unrealistic. Beth mentioned that at one point in her life, she had been hurt by a friend and it broke their friendship. Because of that broken friendship, she told her husband that from that point on, he’d be the only person she’d ever trust again. However, her husband told her that she couldn’t do that, because at some point, he too would let her down… because he’s human and no one is perfect. That turned the light bulb on in my head. I have subconsciously placed all of my trust in Sam to be my only friend who will never purposely hurt me and who I can trust wholeheartedly! But like I said a few sentences earlier, that’s unrealistic. There have been times when we’ve gotten in an argument and I can’t help but feel so disappointed in him, that he let me down. How could he? He’s not supposed to let me down. Little did I realize until now, that it’s an insecurity of mine because of other relationships. I too, like Beth, have been hurt by friends that I sadly no longer have a relationship with. It is hurtful when friendships end, unexpectedly, unwillingly. This hurt is what has brought on this insecurity. I know that I can always count on Sam and trust him, because he is my husband. However, I cannot let the fear of hurt and being let down cripple my other relationships with people. I realized that because of this, I have been closed off to everyone else but Sam in my life. It’s time to move forward. I cannot continue to let the fear of being hurt or let down by others to feed this insecurity. After all, that’s life. You get hurt. You forgive. You move forward. And at the end of the day we can always rely, trust and lean on God.

Sleep

I’ve been thinking that the time is coming for Ava to sleep in her crib. At her 2 month check-up, her doctor suggested that we should do it sooner rather than later because it may get harder the longer we wait. I just don’t think I’m ready! I love having her sleep next to us in her bassinet. I’m trying to prepare myself mentally and emotionally… I think I may have separation anxiety… Anyway, I wrote this in my notes the other night when we made our first attempt at having Ava sleep in her room:

I totally failed. Tonight, I thought Ava would be sleeping in her crib, in her nursery that I spent so much time trying to make dainty and beautiful for her. Well, that didn’t happen. I checked on her one more time, and Sam and I were off to bed. The monitors were on, and on full volume so I wouldn’t be able to miss even the littlest peep from her. We prayed and Sam told me not to worry, that she was going to be just fine and that I needed to stop staring and listening intently to the monitor. Slowly, I began to close my eyes but I couldn’t let myself fall asleep. I knew I wasn’t going to sleep if Ava wasn’t in her bassinet next to our bed, so I caved. Sam was already snoring, so I woke him up and told him I couldn’t do it. I asked if it was ok to get her, and like the sweet and understanding hubby he is, he said yes. She was perfectly fine in her crib, sleeping like an angel, but it was me. I couldn’t do it, I wasn’t ready!! I kind of hesitated whether or not I should bring her back to our room, but I decided to get her anyway. Forget what the doctor, parenting books, and other parents say… Haha…Right? She’s my daughter…. I know it probably won’t get any easier, but she is our first. (Who am I kidding?! I’m a wimp!) This mommy business takes a toll on my emotions, and I’m already an over emotional human!  So now it’s almost midnight and here I am sitting in my bed with Ava in my arms. I didn’t think I’d be one of those clingy moms, but I guess I am… Pray for me…

Time is flying by

I’m at a loss when it comes to really knowing how to blog. Should I write as if I’m writing a paper for school? I have no idea, so I guess until I get a better hang at this, I’ll just start however seems right.

This past weekend went by too quick! I feel like time is just flying by! In two weeks Ava will already be THREE months old!! It seems like just yesterday I was lying on that hospital bed waiting till I was completely dilated in order to push and meet my little miracle. I’ve always heard that their first year goes by the quickest and it really does seem that way.

I’m excited, each day that I wake up to her beautiful smile is a blessing! She and Sam are my world! I decided to title my blog the “Mommy Diaries” because I already feel like so much has happened in this new journey of parenthood. I feel like Sam and I have grown so much in these last 2 1/2 months. As she continues to grow and reach milestones, I know that we will also grow with her and I’m excited to chronicle this journey.

First Post

I would like to start by saying… HAPPY NEW YEAR! Also, thanks for stopping by my blog. I’ve always wanted to start one, and for some reason I kept putting off.  But now I feel like it is something new and exciting for me to do, and I’m a mom now, which for some reason I feel like blogging is a mom thing to do. Ha. Anyway, I’m really excited to blog because I want to share my thoughts, feelings, and adventures of being a wife, mom, and about life in general.Writing has always been the way I express myself best, so why not start a blog? Hopefully you’ll find my blog to be inspiring, motivating and at times I hope to make you laugh!  However, I do have a problem with procrastination sometimes, so I hope that I keep up with it in a timely manner…. pray for my procrastination… sometimes I don’t know how I managed college. Well, thanks for taking the time and reading my first post… I’m excited! =)